The Police Girl gets a Pet
by deadpan riot
Summary: Alucard decides to gift his fledgling with a new pet. Maybe just not one she'd want... No longer a one-shot!
1. a good pet is cute, furry, and has legs

A/N: Ah, my first Hellsing fic. I have no idea if this idea's been done before, but whatever. Thanks to my beta blacksteel1 for helping me flesh this out properly after bringing it over from it's original crack!comic form.

Disclaimer: If I owned Hellsing, it'd probably be riddled with more crack!humor, and Alucard would be more off his head than he already is. Good thing for everyone I own nothing eh?

* * *

Seras stretched her arms above her head until all the kinks popped themselves from her spine and shoulders. Vampire or not, sleeping in a coffin was plain uncomfortable as far as she was concerned.

"How does Master do it?" she wondered aloud.

She'd ask him herself, if it wasn't for the fact that he'd probably just mock her then disappear through a wall.

With both a mental and physical shrug, she climbed from her daylight confine, pushing the lid back into place with her foot.

"Hm, maybe I can get Walter to find me some extra pillows or something…"

With the prospect of a more comfortable sleeping place, Seras walked quickly out into the hallway to search for the butler. And ran straight into Alucard. Literally.

"Ow, Master, what are you doing lurking outside my room?"

She looked up at the grinning man in red from her newly found place on the floor. He tilted his head just enough to look down at her over his sunglasses.

"Lurking? Don't be stupid police girl, if I was lurking, you wouldn't see me. You just need to watch where you're going."

Scowling, Seras climbed to her feet brushing down her skirt. Alucard watched her in that creepy, unblinking way he reserved for when he was up to something. Wary, she made to edge around him.

"I'm going to go find Walter so-Master, what's behind your back?"

Bringing his hands from behind his back, Alucard held the item out for her to see. It was a plain brown box, tied with a brilliant crimson ribbon.

"A present? Who's it for?"

"You."

Seras just blinked at him, the unexpectedness of it throwing her off. 5 seconds later the information had processed. Alucard was, for whatever reason, giving her a present. And it looked to be something other than his usual 'gifts', which generally involved her being terrorized.

Needless to say, Seras was ecstatic.

"Oh Master, you shouldn't have! I'm so excited I-are those air holes?" She leaned closer to the box for a better look, once again on her guard. Well, at least she knew it wasn't a bomb. Bombs didn't need to breath.

"Yes." His eyes glittered with mischief.

Seras looked between her master and the box in his hands. "What is it?" She didn't bother trying to hide the suspicion in her voice.

Alucard's grin grew wider, the look on his face borderline maniacal. "I'll give you a hint. It's cute, furry, has legs, and-"

She cut him off before he could get himself going. "Master that's a bit more than a hi-Oh my god Master!" She felt her eyes grow huge as realization hit and excitement filled her. Cute and furry…

"You got me a kitten?"

"Nooooo."

She faltered, but only for a second. "A puppy?" She knew she was grinning like a vampire at a hemophiliac convention, but she didn't really care at the moment. She was getting a puppy!

"No."

Or not. Alucard continued to grin at her, making her aware of just how many damn teeth he had. Even if he hadn't been in possession of such impressive canines it would have been intimidating.

"Um…ok, is it…"

Five guesses later, and she still didn't seem to be any closer to knowing what her gift was.

"Is it a-"

"Surprise!" Alucard whipped off the top to the box with a flourish, flinging it carelessly over his shoulder.

Obviously he'd gotten bored of her guessing game.

He tilted the box to give her a better look inside. What she saw instantly killed the I'm-getting-a-new-fluffy-friend-to-keep-me-company buzz she'd worked up. It turned to look up at her with black, beady eyes. Four pairs of them, in fact.

Seras shrieked, pulling away from the box and its contents: Inside the box was the biggest damn spider she'd ever laid eyes on! "A spider? But Master, you said 'cute and furry'!"

"But he is, silly girl. Look at him! I have even given him a name-Fluffy. Behold!" Alucard smoothly maneuvered the box closer to his fledgling's cringing form, the look on his face turning maniacal in the shadows of the corridor. The master vampire was quite pleased with the way this was playing out.

Seras however, did not share in her Master's mirth. "Get that thing away from me!"

Alucard just shoved the box closer.

It was so close it was right under her nose, the thing almost rearing up to meet her. She locked eyes with 'Fluffy', and panic smashed into her gut. It was even bigger and more ghoulish up close.

Much like her Master, actually.

Despite being larger and gifted with supernatural strength, Seras was rooted to the floor in fear. Unable to look away from the cold, soulles eyes inches from her face, she found herself locked in a staring contest of seemingly monumental porpotions.

Just as it seemed the world would falter and shatter into a million peices beneath her feet, the spider twitched, one furry leg making its way towards her nose.

Seras did the only logical thing she could think of: she bolted.

Alucard watched her tear down the hallway, her thoughts of 'Spider! Keep it away!' running like a broken record through his head, jittering and nerve grating. He laughed, then looked down at the spider.

"Don't worry Fluffy, she's just playing." He figured the more he appeased the thing, the more it'd be willing to do his bidding, which made for a far more entertaining night.

Alucard ran a finger over the creature's back as it maneuvered itself towards him.

"Let's go put you in 'mummy's' coffin hm? Then you and the police girl can bond when she comes back!" He figured it'd be 20 minutes at most before she (and hopefully Walter) returned. Plenty of time to prepare for the next phase of project 'police girl needs a pet'.

Still chuckling, Alucard disappeared into the darkness of Seras's bedroom.


	2. A good pet warms your bed

To be honest, I wasn't really planning on continuing with this, _but_ I did. To everyone who enjoyed the first chapter, and the few who asked me to continue it, enjoy.

* * *

"Unfortunately Miss Victoria, his antics are something you're going to have to accustom yourself to. Believe me when I say that gifting you with a spider is quite tame for Alucard."

Sera's looked curiously up at Walter, who had agreed to accompany her back to the subbasement. At her request he'd given her a spare pillow to stuff in her coffin, but beyond that had been unable to help in her quest for a more comfortable day's rest.

She hugged said pillow to her chest, slowing her pace until she was using the retainer as a makeshift shield between her and the entrance to her rooms. Tame or not, her irrational fear of spiders had stuck with her even after death, and her master had taken full advantage of it.

The butler paused in the doorway to look back at her. "Really now, so worked up over a little arachnid?"

"_Little_? Walter that thing was _massive_! And I just _know_ that he's stuck it in there somewhere, so he can watch it try to eat me!" She sent furtive glances down both ends of the hallway and into her room, more than expecting to catch a glimpse of the nosferatu.

Walter sighed, stepping into the room and looking boredly around. He stopped in the center, motioning for Seras to join him.

She did so, head moving back and forth in an attempt to keep the whole of the room in her vision at all times.

"Might I suggest loosening your grip before I have to retrieve you another pillow?"

Grinning sheepishly, Seras moved over to her coffin to deposit her prize, only to jump back with a screech that rattled the windows on the second floor.

"_Walter kill it!"_

The butler pried the terrified vampire off his arm, the tingling in his fingers signaling they were once again receiving proper blood flow. With an air of bored compliance, he approached the coffin and cast a bemused look down at its newest occupant.

The tarantula looked curiously back at him, slowly unwinding itself from the defensive crouch it'd taken at the draculina's outburst.

"Well little fellow, it seems you've managed to cause quite the stir." He casually bent to shuffle the creature into his hand, turning to hold it up to the cowering vampire. "As you can see, Miss Victoria, he is neither 'massive', nor capable of 'eating' you."

Seras twitched. "Right. You say that, but somehow I don't entirely believe you."

Walter pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, more to hide his inappropriate amusement then anything. "I can assure you that although it was given to you by Alucard, it is nothing more than a common tarantula. I highly doubt it will sprout an extra head and attempt to take off a limb whence your back is turned."

The draculina took a step back, waving her hands and grinning sheepishly. "Either way, I think I'd feel better if you got rid of it. Far _far_ away. Then maybe I'll take your word for it."

"That won't be necessary, Walter."

Seras jumped at the sound of her master's voice, moving swiftly when she realized he'd materialized out of the wall directly behind her.

Alucard flashed them his usual maniacal grin, attention coming to rest on the spider perched on Walter's palm. "If the Police Girl doesn't want her gift, then I'll be more than happy to look after him."

Walter frowned at the foreboding connotation of the vampire's words, but didn't make a move to stop him as he offered his own gloved hand as a perch.

The tarantula skittered onto Alucard's palm without hesitation, the vampire turning to face his fledgling. He stretched his arm towards her, offering up the arachnid in his grasp. "Come, Police Girl, apologize to Fluffy for your cruelty and scorn. He only wanted to be friends, after all."

In a flash Seras had her back to the cold stone wall, keeping her coffin between her, her master, and the monster in his hand. Not that said object could protect her from either, but she figured she'd at least get points for trying.

Alucard chuckled at his fledgling's wide eyes and desperately shaking head, beginning to float backwards towards the wall he had entered through. With a last jive at her manners, the nosferatu disappeared.

Walter sighed, eyeing the space Alucard had occupied wearily. "Oh dear, I get the feeling this isn't going to end well."

* * *

And it probably isn't. Poor Seras and her irrational fear. Poor everyone in Hellsing for being stuck between Alucard and his current form of entertainment.

deadpan_riot


	3. a good pet keeps you company as you work

The shuffling of papers, the scritch-scratching of a pen then silence, only to be repeated once more. The Hellsing heir paused to release a plume of smoke from her lungs, taking a moment to watch the shadows lengthen with the setting of the sun behind her. It had been a rather quite day, all things considered, and she was hoping the night would pass much in the same way. Of course, she wouldn't hold her breath on that.

Returning to her paperwork, she paused, frowning down at the page in front of her. Lifting the document to better see it, she tilted it towards the light, puzzled. Where before there had been a pristine page bearing only her signature, there was now an ink splotched mess. The intricate whirls of her name smudged and smeared, drug across the page in arching lines and tiny dots.

Integra turned her attention back to the desk, looking for anything out of place. The ink, now drawn thin, showed up in similar patterns on the finished papers to the side, leaving a barely there trail to the desk lamp in the corner. Cautiously, she reached to turn it on.

The bulb snapped to life, bathing the desk in soft light, illuminating some of the shadows created by the fading rays of day. At first glance nothing appeared to be out of place, however further scrutiny revealed that more than a few of her things had been moved about, if only slightly.

A hint of movement and the sound of glass thunking against wood snapped her gaze to the opposite side of her desk. Swearing, she swiped at the ink bottle now lying on its side, grabbing her papers out of harm's way with one hand and searching for something to clean the mess with the other. Dropping the documents unceremoniously into the drawer she retrieved a stray handkerchief from, Integra returned moodily to the mess before her.

"What on earth?"

The pool of ink had somehow managed to smear itself across at least half of the desk, as though someone had drug a body through it. Leaning closer, she noticed more of the same swipes and dots that had manifested on her contracts.

"I swear to all that's holy if that bloody vampire is behind this I'll strangle him."

Wary of further tricks, Integra dabbed up as much of the mess as she could, silently cursing her luck. "So much for a peaceful evening."

Something brushed against her hand, tickling her skin and making her spine stiffen. Oh so slowly she turned her head to look at the hand not holding the handkerchief. "_Bloody hell!"_

Tapping lightly against her finger was a large, hairy leg. A large hairy leg attached to an even larger and hairier spider, looking up at her as if expecting a hand out.

A quick flick of her wrist sent the thing tumbling off the desk. Viciously wiping her hand on her pants leg, Integra swiftly stood and drew her pistol as she moved from behind her desk. "Alucard!"

Catching sight of the scampering thing, she shot without hesitation, just barely missing as the spider scuttled away under the desk.

"Yes, my Master?"

She whirled smoothly about at the sound of the vampire's voice, aiming the gun at his forehead and cocking the hammer. "Get that bloody _pet _of yours _out _of my office. _Now_."

Alucard grinned, eyes sparking with mischief as he bowed slightly. "Of course."

The pistol followed him as he moved around her, taking her vacated seat at the desk. She watched in silence, not bothering to lower her arm as the vampire rested a gloved hand, palm up, near the edge of her desk. Exactly where her hand had been earlier, in fact. As the tarantula mounted the desk and slunk into his master's hand, Integra was hit with the eerie suspicion that the damn thing had been taught to do that exact thing to whomever was in the chair. _Her _chair, in _her_ office no less.

Alucard lifted his pet, stroking the hairy back as if the tarantula were a tiny cat. "Poor fluffy, did the mean lady scare you? Well don't worry, I'll protect you. "

Integra made a noise of disgust as the vampire continued to coo at the arachnid. "Alucard…"

Crimson eyes lifted to meet her own, irises dancing in the dull lighting. "Yes, my Master?"

Neither flinched as the roar of gunfire broke the relative quiet, unless you were to count the slight jerk of the vampire's head as a bullet tore through it. Blood and brains spattered against the glass of the window, dripping down to soak the carpet and chair. Fluffy had fled at the noise, leaping from his master's twitching hand to disappear once again in the shadows.

"Pull yourself together and clean up this mess. I expect not a spot to remain, and that includes the wreck your pet made of my desk."

Turning smartly on her heel, Sir Integra Hellsing walked evenly away from the seemingly dead body at her desk, throwing open the door with more force than necessary. "Walter!"

Not a second later the butler appeared around the corner, looking slightly alarmed. "Sir Integra what-"

"If you'd be so kind, I'd like to take tea in the dining room this evening."

The retainer loosened his stance as the woman breezed past him, offering a light bow and a 'yes, ma'am' before she disappeared from his sight.

Curious as to what the commotion had been about, the butler moved warily to the open doorway of the office. The sight he was met with caused him to sigh.

"What did you do this time?"

A chuckle rose from the unmoving chest, eyelids fluttering as the internal glow returned to the half hidden orbs. The vampire lifted his head from the back of the chair, skull knitting together once there was no longer plush leather hindering the movement.

"Fluffy decided to _introduce_ himself, but it seems Integra was not pleased to _make his acquaintance._"

With a derisive snort that was most unbecoming to someone in his position, Walter shook his head and closed the door on the far too common sight. The vampire's chuckling drifted on his heels as he made his way to the kitchens.

Inside the office, Alucard had managed to coax the ink and blood covered spider onto his shoulder, petting him absently as the blood pooling around the chair snaked its way beneath his boots.

"Don't worry Fluffy, I'm sure we can find someone to play with you…"

* * *

As you can see, I've decided to continue this story indefinatly. Enjoy!

deadpan_riot


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